How to selflessly and profoundly love wives as Christ so loves the Churches
in helping first wives to joyfully and willingly embrace Christian Polygamy!
All men, upon learning of and embracing Christian Polygamy, surely need to know HOW they can both righteously and successfully help their wife to be receptive to the very "meaty" concept of Christian Polygamy. Indeed, this is probably one of the single most vital issues to understand. It is truly one of the single most asked questions from men after they have just recently discovered the truth of Christian Polygamy.
When first confronted with their wife's surely understandable initial "hesitation" to Christian Polygamy, with her presently keeping the "gate" to her receptiveness "closed" or perhaps temporarily "locked", many men then respond to that by making the mistake of simply trying to use the "wife submission" verses in the Scriptures in order to try to "inform" their wife that she somehow must "accept" it, regardless.
Of course, that only fails.
And indeed, it actually ends up working against the husband who tries that, as it makes the wife even more understandably NOT receptive to hearing about Christian Polygamy. By his trying to "clobber her over the head" with the "wife submission" verses, all he actually ends up succeeding at is in making her want to even more "securely" "lock" the "gate" to her receptiveness. By his trying to use such a concept of FORCE, he ends up making it even more difficult to "unlock that gate".
But the TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force provides principles and insight into these very delicate and important issues. For any man to help a wife to eventually embrace Christian Polygamy, it is clearly important that he have a heart filled with selfless Christ-like love for his wife, showing it by action, and building up that trust in their relationship between them. And with that, he can then learn and succeed at how to "unlock" the "gate" to her receptiveness indeed.
Truly, the issue of how to help wives with the issue of Christian Polygamy is a vital imperative for all of us in Christian Polygamy. This is, of course, especially so for the husbands among us. Men must be loving, and understand the hearts and minds of the precious blessing of God that we know as WOMEN. (Praise the Lord for the blessing that women so truly are, in all their wondrous and unique ways!) Toward that end of helping all of us to so understand this vital imperative, on July 17, 2000, Mark the Founder wrote the following and posted it to the Friends and Fellowhelpers Listserv, (also known as "FAF", for short).
It is prayed that the insights from this post might be a blessing for all who read this, as being a blessing for the growth of any marriages which might thereafter be positively affected. And therewith, may the Lord alone be glorified!
"Unlocking" the "gate" to a wife's receptiveness
// "Wife submission" issues
Greetings in the love of the Lord.
Dear Friends and Fellowhelpers,
This post is another lengthy one which I pray will clarify any matters which any might have had either about this ministry or about me personally, as well as to provide some additional insight on how to effectively bring Christian Polygamy to a dear wife.
It was interesting to watch this particular thread ("wife submission" issues) go on last week (while I was "on vacation", and thus not posting to FAF).
Indeed, I would like to take this moment to clear up any potential confusion or misperception about this ministry or about my own personal views on the subject of "wife submission" doctrine in the Scriptures, and to explain why it is more important for us to more stay focused on teaching MEN to grow in their selfless, Christ-like love for women.
Now, before I begin here, it is important to make it clear that, even as I preach love-not-force, and even as I explain all the "meaty" matter here, that does not mean that that somehow gives women some supposed "feministic power" over men at all. As such, as some of my other posts to FAF have shown, I also clearly preach the Word of God as in such passages as
Surely, it cannot (rightly) be said that I would give place to Jezebel.
And yet, some may have wondered why the focus here at FAF does not spend "as much" time on the "wife submission" doctrine?
While it is taught as a "given", of course, the focus is more on the man growing in Christ-like love. And there is a powerful Spiritual reason for this.
It is about ministry.
No, of course, this would not be suggesting that Godly women should be allowed to supposedly "sin" or be defiant, in order to minister to them or to protect them from others who would hurt them.
Rather, it is about ministry for women by helping husbands, who are able to better understand, care, and love their wives.
For a moment, it is necessary to ponder who is here among us at FAF, and what needs to be learned among us, for the ministry needs of all of us.
First off, most women (but not all, of course) who join us at FAF are already NOT hostile to Christian Polygamy. (And these particular wives most often have no need to be "taught" the "wife submission" verses anyway, as they are already in happy marriages AND embracing Christian Polygamy!) Indeed, anyone who IS hostile is not allowed to join us here at FAF anyway, or thus to post! However, at the same time, yes, some husbands who believe in the truth of Christian Polygamy might have a wife who does NOT believe this way, and so HE has joined us at FAF, even though his wife might presently be even possibly hostile to what we are "about". These men are praying for help and their wives oftentimes are hoping for a gentle revelation from God. And we are here at this ministry to help such ones indeed!
So, here at FAF, we either have women who are already positive to Christian Polygamy who make posts among us, or some of our posts might be read by presently non-accepting-of-polygyny wives of husbands who are.
Now, the fact is, (while there are always exceptions to everything, of course), almost every man who has a wife who does not yet embrace Christian Polygamy is highly likely to have tried to use the "wife submission" verses to try to persuade his wife that she is supposed to embrace Christian Polygamy. It could be seen as potentially correct doctrine in the "letter of the Law", but it still fails to persuade a wife, almost every time, because it is not come off as in the Spirit, in the "Spirit of the law".
Why does it usually fail?
Because it cannot get past the woman's rational, legitimate, initial "suspicion" that the only reason her husband is thinking of polygamy is for himself, for his own 'self-interest'. (Mind you, when I use the word "suspicion", I am not talking about all the dysfunction which is normally associated with that word. Rather, I am only referring to the concept of "questioning, wondering, preparing for investigation, hypothesizing", etc.)
And so, when her husband tries to use the "wife submission" verses, all he is doing is actually further PROVING to her that her "suspicion" of polygyny being all and only about the husband's "self-interest" appears as correct to her, because even the "wife submission" verses come off as sounding as "self-interested" when a man tries to use them to self-justify an action toward his wife when she is rationally wondering about it. He ends up "confirming" her investigation as to whether this is just a "self interest" matter when he uses these "wife submission" verses against her.
So, the thing is, it actually BACKFIRES on him when he tries to do this.
There is a time for effectively teaching those verses and a time when it fails. When a heated argument between a husband and a wife arises, if he ever resorts to the "wife submission" verses in his self-justification at such a time, he is making himself appear to be exploiting Scripture to self-justify his own agenda against the contributing thoughts of the wife. She might rightly submit, but what he has taught her to think about him is that he will exploit Scripture to "get his way". That does not build TRUST, but instead plants a seed of distrust. But if instead, he will refrain himself from resorting to that, especially in such times, but if he instead goes to where she is "at" spiritually and emotionally, showing he CARES about what she thinks and feels, she is more likely willing to JOYFULLY submit, and even be re-assured that her husband will NOT resort to "clobbering her over the head" with the "wife submission" verses. While this might sound "illogical" to the "pragmatic" mind of most of us men, most Godly women I know will often testify to the Spiritual power of what I am sharing here. And while there are always exceptions to everything, and surely some women are simply deliberately "defiant", but it is still best for a man in any case to take the humble, giving, selfless route than to "clobber a woman over the head" with those "wife submission" verses in such a time.
And indeed, I will even go so far as to testify (as I have in the past) that my own "first wife" does indeed set the example herself for others at times referring to me as (small-L) "lord" (per 1_Peter 3:6). But she does this precisely because I do NOT force her. That's the point I'm trying to share here. (Let that be understood by all who read this, that it is wholly a voluntary matter here.)
If it helps, I would encourage people to think of it this way. The Lord has given our dear women a blessing that we tend to think of as a sort "intuition". This "intuition" often is like a "gate" of a fence which protects her inner mind's ability to accept something as valid and true and good.
(How many times have our women say the following about something?
"There's something not right about that thing,
even if I cannot put my finger on just what it is"
Most of us have likely seen it often, for sure!
What a blessing our women are for us, for sure! AMEN! :-)
The "key" to unlocking that "gate" is TRUST which comes out of believability and credibility.
TRUST cannot be "expected" or "demanded". It can only be earned by our own deliberate actions. And our personal credibility decreases dramatically when we appear to be overtly out for own "self-interest", especially if it appears to conflict with the interests of the other person.
Again, TRUST is not likely built when one APPEARS to be doing something that looks like it is in their own self-interest. And contrariwise, the more that you do something for someone else without having hidden agendas or self-interest, the more TRUST you can build indeed.
So, now, to a woman, when a husband brings Christian Polygamy to her, what happens at the "gate"? She is reasonably, understandably "suspicious" about it, because at first it naturally APPEARS that the issue is simply something which will "benefit" the man, appearing even to be against her self and everything she'd been taught all her life. So, naturally, the "gate" remains "locked", and she is DISTRUSTFUL of it, with understandable reason.
It is wholly unjust to simply accuse a wife of mere "disobedience" for at least having this understandable "suspicion". After all, it DOES initially look like it's only about what a man "gets", especially given all the centuries of that stereotypical idea being passed from one generation to the next.
But rather than compassionately understand why this is a reasonable "suspicion" for the dear wife to have at first, what is the understandably common, yet dysfunctional, method which many otherwise even Godly men mistakenly do?
Out comes the husband to "clobber her over the head" with the "wife submission" verses, as if THAT's going to help "unlock" the "gate"!!!
(Mind you, it's a fully understandable thing as to why a man would do this, as we men, too, are mere mortals ourselves, and indeed, doing this is a common mistake which some have made, if they had not first been able to have learned of the TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force first. Hence the reason for getting this message of love-not-force out even that much more. :-)
So, when the husband tries to use the "wife submission" verses when the "gate" is "locking up", he is only making the "locked gate" even that much "locked" stronger against himself!
Again, its not that wife is being "disobedient". Rather, he himself is SCARING her by his having the appearance that all he is becoming "all about" is what he wants, appearing as being a selfish man who will exploit Scripture to self-justify his self-exaltation.
And in that, the dear woman doesn't know what to do.
He himself has "locked" the "gate" because she just knows that "something's not right", and then he only further proves that "something's not right" to her by his appearing to be even that much more self-interested by his then trying to "clobber her over the head" with the "wife submission" verses.
The man has this made a difficult situation even harder and more difficult! He has sabotaged the situation, making it even "worse" than before.
This point is so important to understand that I will re-iterate it. If he has already got her DISTRUSTING him for his APPEARING as being only self-interested in something such as Christian Polygamy, then when he resorts to the "wife submission" verses on her, he only ends up looking even that much more that "all he is about" is his own "self-interest"! It works AGAINST him even that much more, "locking" her "gate". And it is not her fault, but HIS.
So, while he might be Scripturally correct, he is Spiritually failing her.
And so, what becomes important is to have the wisdom of appropriate timing. Of course, the "wife submission" verses are Scriptural and right doctrine (as applied non-tyrannically and not in the chest-pounding mentality). And of course, Christian Polygamy is Scriptural and right doctrine (as applied with love-not-force, and not as by the FORCE view). But it is to the husband's growing maturity for him to understand (or learn) how to gently "unlock" his dear wife's "gate" so that she can receive such awesome truth of the Lord with joy.
So now with this understood, we may also see why the TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force is indeed able to so help a wife embrace Christian Polygamy. For a woman, the Vision quickly helps remove the APPEARANCE that the issue of Christian Polygamy is somehow about the man's own "self-interest". And it does NOT "clobber the woman over the head" with the "wife submission" verses. Instead, it preaches about the man saying to his wife how HE needs to grow in Christ, rather than him pointing a finger at her and telling her how she is simply supposed to "obey" him. This Vision says to her that he CARES about her and her feelings, powerfully communicating (as long as he is being sincere and NOT "faking this", of course) that this is NOT about his own "desires".
Love-not-force more easily "unlocks" the woman's "gate", as the wife is thereby assured of her importance to and love by her husband, that he is not out for his own "self-interest" but is instead ministering, caring, and loving HER as Christ so selflessly loves the Churches. And thus is she then made more able to TRUST the sincerity of her husband.
And once he effectively "unlocks" that "gate", she herself is more willing to explore the possibility of the meaty truth of Christian Polygamy, to eventually proceed through the process of "paradigm-shifting", whereby old norms and old ways of her thinking are changed willingly and gladly of her own volition.
The TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force can indeed "unlock" a wife's "gate".
So, I said all that to say this...
Here at FAF, the pro-polygamy wives we do have here at FAF already know the things which we (in general) and which I (in specifics) am sharing here. But the not-yet-embracing-polygyny wives of husbands among us surely need further assurance and comfort that this is not about the "self-interest" of her husband. (Such women are not "wrong" to have this "suspicion" at this time. It's their husband's responsibility to love them so profoundly that they help the wife to no longer have that suspicion.)
And so, for the not-yet-embracing-polygyny wives who are reading these FAF posts which come in the email box of their husband, if they were to be reading posts which simply and only "clobber them over the head" with the "wife submission" verses, then their "gates" will remain "locked", and this ministry will not have helped those families. In such a case, all of us will have failed them.
And I don't think that that is what any of us here would want, for sure!
But if instead, we focus on teaching their husbands to NOT resort to the "wife submission" verses, even though Scripturally accurate, yet Spiritually failing (because it's as giving the "letter of the Law which killeth"), not only will the wives find some re-assurance from our preaching love-not-force, but they will even be comforted to know that their husband is himself being taught to so selflessly and profoundly love her as profoundly as Christ Himself!
That way, not only have we helped to "unlock" the "gate" for such a dear wife, but we've even given her a powerful motivation to even contemplate Christian Polygamy, even if she might not yet be ready for a total "paradigm shift" to fully yet embracing it just yet! That is, we also will have comforted her to know that her husband is "at a place" (i.e., at FAF) where Godly people (i.e., us) are lovingly encouraging her husband to grow, grow, grow in gentle, selflessly giving Christ-like love for her.
So, the thing is, it's not about suggesting that a husband has to supposedly "earn" his wife's obedience, as that is NOT the point. And it is not the premise of the TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force either. Rather, this is about having true power in the Spirit by teaching such a profound message of love in receiving the spirit of wisdom and of revelation on how, how, how to understand how a woman thinks, and that "unlocks" the "gate".
The bottom line of this all is, it is not that women need to be taught the "wife submission" verses when it comes to Christian Polygamy. Rather, we can more help women be able to embrace Christian Polygamy by understanding how to "unlock" the "gate", by building TRUST and showing that the man really does CARE. And that's why what we really need to focus on is the TRUTH BEARER Vision of love-not-force, teaching us MEN how to grow, grow, grow in humble Christ-like love.
Anyway, I suppose I have begun another "book" here, so I shall bring this to a close.
I do pray that I have clarified some things where anyone may have needed it.
And I also pray that this might even have been a blessing, if not a revelation, for any who may have needed it.
May the selfless love of our Lord Jesus Christ be with us.
Continuing the Reformation...
Bringing Christian Polygamy to the Churches
© July 17, 2000, TruthBearer.org
P.O. Box 765, O.O.B., ME 04064
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